Let's Talk About Forgiveness

It's really important you know that I'm never going to tell you, or anyone, who, when, or if to forgive. That's a personal choice. I'm writing this to share some different perspectives on forgiveness, some ideas for your thought experiments.

When I bring up forgiveness with my clients, there's often a strong reaction, sometimes even eye rolling. I get it, it's not an easy topic. Hang in there while I perhaps make a few points that are different from what we're conventionally told. Most of us have come to believe that forgiveness means, "It's okay." I'm here to bring a few different perspectives: 1) Forgiveness is an inside job. It's not for others, it's not for the person(s) who did wrong. It's for you, and your benefit. The whole thing about expecting the hot coal you're holding to burn others and so forth. You're the one who is harmed by carrying and holding it. You don't even need to the let the person(s) know that you've forgiven them.

2) The other person(s) who have caused you harm may never take accountability or ask for forgiveness. You don't have to wait for someone to ask, because they may never do so. You don't have to wait for the other person(s) to say, "What I did was wrong and harmful," because they may not ever say this. It takes radical acceptance that this could never happen. So what if it doesn't? Where does that leave you? Good news, you don't have to wait to hear it.

3) Life isn't fair. Horrific things happen and there's all kinds of harmful, hurtful, and otherwise devastating things that happen. That's truly awful and terrible, and it's not going to change by us demanding fairness.

4) There is an option for forgiveness with boundaries. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean, "It's okay." It's not okay to hurt, neglect, or abuse someone. Whether intentional acts or not, it's still not okay. It also doesn't need to mean, "You have access to me," or "It's okay to do this again." You can forgive someone and never speak or have them in your life again.

5) Forgiveness is a choice. You can make a (really, really tough) decision to say, "What happened was awful, I was very hurt by it, it's not okay, AND I'm going to forgive the person(s) who did this to me for my own sake and peace." I'm not saying any of this is easy, just here to offer some different perspectives. What do you think about these ideas?

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